So, you're a nurse?

I hate this in the ER. Patients, visitors or family members that identify themselves as nurses but really are not. When you tell me that you are a nurse, it leads me to believe you have received a license to practice nursing either as an RN or LPN. I will speak to you in the medical language that nurses, doctors and medical professionals use. If you appear to be confused, I will ask you about your "nursing" experience.

Case in point:
Patient with chief complaint of urinary problems. Young lady tells me that she has had pressure in her bladder like she needs to pee for 2 days, still able to urinate but only small amounts at frequent intervals. Her mother who is at the bedside is cheerily telling me that her daughter works as a nurse and has not been able to make it in to see her family doctor and this keeps getting worse so she had to catheterize the patient at home.

This is a flag to me to ask more questions. Any time a patient has to catheterize themselves at home, it usually indicates that they have other medical problems.

Me: "So how long have you self-cathing at home?"
Patient: "Um, this is the first time we tried it."
Me: ????? "Okay. What medical supplies were you sent home with for cathing?"
Mother: "Oh, we just used a little drinking straw. You know, like the ones you use to stir coffee? But she didn't have much pee come out."
Me to patient: "Your mother cathed you with a coffee stirrer? What type of nurse are you?" *I couldn't help it, it just came out*
Patient: "Oh, well. I really just help the nurses at the nursing home and I've seen them cath patients and figured this would help the pressure."

Holy sweet cream and donuts! Cathed with a coffee stirrer and by her mother no less!

The fun never ends. I have seen many people tell me that they are a nurse when in reality they are a family member who cares for the patient at home with no medical experience, a nursing assistant, a technician, or even in one case a patient's son's baby momma.

Seriously, I worked hard for this licensure. Quit trying to say you are if you are not. That is all.